What an insane 2 weeks it’s been. 

I’ve had the most incredible breakthrough of my life and yet I have been in the midst of one of the most intense and confronting soul shadow purges of my life as well. 

The layers and depth of this cavernous wound have been playing out in a myriad of painful ways throughout the years and one of the main things that have been used to target me for quite some time. 

It all started with food poisoning 2-weeks ago, then catching a really bad cold right after that that turned into a current nasal infection. Then, my purse with all my belongings was stolen. Not to mention I was in one of the worst shutdowns towards Aeleo and had been warring and fighting with him intensely for touching the core of this wound and mirroring it to me with such laser precision, as he does. 

Ya know what it’s like when you just resist and fight the vital and yet painful confrontation that’s about to decimate your ego and phantom reality and level you up? There’s so much fear around that ego death because this wounded part of you thinks it’s protecting you by holding you hostage in its skewed narrative of reality that upholds the reason why you must fight the light shining on it. I had one of those crazy resistances that fuelled weeks of blaming Aeleo and projecting onto him my biggest wound. 

I’ll explain what that was shortly but, as I spent the last 2-weeks alone mostly and resting (in resistance for the first half) and then the second week unravelling and submitting to the transformation that my higher-self had orchestrated through the idea that Aeleo was neglecting me by having him work in the studio more than usual and no sexual energy between us. I began purging the most embedded, dense, phantom miasmatic energies from my father’s bloodline. 

It was like a cloud of dusty smoke and junk began moving through my lungs and throat. The grief and wounding hit me like a ton of bricks and I began feeling what for years I felt I could not confront and could not stomach. I began seeing and admitting the ugly truth around the severe emotional damage and future relational consequences of having a father that was so traumatized himself that he was incapable of raising me as someone who had any sense of self-esteem with men. 

This part is very hard for me to write and I want to be clear that it’s not about bashing the masculine or being a victim. It’s about generational trauma and abuse and how it affects a father-daughter relationship. 

My dad actually had a really good side to him and a very bad vulgar abuse side, kind of like Jekyll and Hyde. 

Sadly, my dad could have done a lot more for me in life. He could have truly Invested in my stability and in my future. He could have truly considered that I am a human being, with feelings. He could have not sexualized me in the way that he did. He could have created a foundation for me to have some semblance of safety and structure. He could have not raged on me so often. He could have not smiled when he did something cruel. He could have not kicked me when I was down and diagnosed with Lyme disease by making a complete mockery of it and telling me to grow up when I was physically, spiritually and emotionally coming undone. He could have not crossed my boundaries time and time again so severely and then guilt me into forgiving him though he never kept his word. 

There’s so much more he could have done. 

This feeling that so often came from my relating with my father set in multiple dysfunctional beliefs and thoughts I had in response to his abuse and abuse with other men that go as follows: 

• You could do a lot more for me, you chose not to because I am not worth the time, energy and resources – the investment is not worth it because I am not worth it. 

• True presence and giving me what I need would require a lot of hard work but I am only worth the bare minimum. 

• Be overly sexual and put sex before requiring commitment and devotion, men like sex and will stay if sex is on the table, but any hard emotional work drives men away. 

• Overcompensate by being strong and needing as little as possible and never being vulnerable because vulnerability means a harsh response. 

• Shut down your emotions and give all you have even if it’s out of guilt because men aren’t capable of the emotional work it takes to show up. 

• You have to show up for both your part and his part and be happy with what you get because he is doing his best even if his best is nothing. 

• Don’t need money from a man ever, take care of yourself and his child because if you take money from him he will be less comfortable and if he’s less comfortable you will feel bad, your stronger than him and better at suffering, you can handle it. 

• Get used to being neglected because there are so many more important things than you that he needs to attend to for himself. You wouldn’t want to burden him with your pain or it may make him pull away.

• Accept abuse, he’s traumatized, his life is hard, he’s sorry, he will change one day if you keep helping him even if it’s really uncomfortable; you owe it to him, he’s just not as strong as you. 

• You’re a bitch and a cunt as he says for calling him out for smoking in the bathroom when your newborn is in the other room; he’s stressed in the morning, he needs cigarettes to start his day, you breathed in smoke as a kid too so the baby will be alright. (When I gave birth to Shiloh and had to stay at my dad’s because I had nowhere else to go and he smoked inside the house with my newborn and flipped out on me when I begged him to stop) 

• The day my dad grabbed my ass aggressively in an overt, sexual manner while I was staying at his house – I immediately went into shock and walked into the bedroom and began weeping, my whole body turned bright red out of humiliation, I was shaking. I dissociated and later that day came downstairs and acted like everything was okay towards him out of being in survival mode and needing a place to live. I knew if I confronted him he would deny it. 

• The day my dad and I were having a deep conversation and I began for once to feel close to him and he asked me a vulgar question, “So I always wondered, do the curtains match the drapes?” I went into shock that time and said nothing and walked away. 

• The time I was diagnosed with Lyme disease at 21 after 8 months of my health falling apart and I called him to tell him and desperately needed his support and he told me to grow up and screamed at me, later I caught him smiling when he saw the pain and tears on my face. 

• The day my dad looked at my boobs when I was 11 and made an inappropriate comment about them that sent a feeling of sheer shameful embarrassment through my body and it made me start thinking that, that’s normal for a father to do. 

• Feeling numb and broken when my father became financially dependent on me 5 years ago, the abuse and pathetic begging and my trauma response of never saying no to him even if it meant sacrifices for me and Shiloh. 

• Attracting a man who got me pregnant and dumped me only to continue to come over for sex once a month for 4 years and me being conditioned to think that if I took care of me and the baby, didn’t ask him for anything and let him sleep with me that he would change and love us one day. 

These were some of the harder memories. There are good ones I have with my dad too but how long can I use some good times to deny what truly happened?

I could go on and on but you get the picture. 

Finally, meeting Aeleo and being amazed at the level of presence and love emanating towards me from him and then every single one of those memories and beliefs being triggered and me projecting every horrible wounded experience onto him and him literally loving me through it and confronting/fighting for my soul despite the dark forces trying to keep me stuck in the dark masculine harvesting frenzy from the demons targeting me from my dad’s bloodline. 

Words cannot explain the storm he has weathered for me. What he has allowed me to throw at him in the name of restoring my faith in Christ, in the living Christ Masculine that he embodies. That these unions will embody. 

I always end up seeing the deeper pain after a few days of extreme trigger. I always end up in tears, laying in bed with him holding me. I always end up in this place of unfathomable love reaching back through to me and breaking me out of my painful isolation from my walls and heart armour from him and God. 

I always end up telling him the gut-wrenching truth of what’s behind my feeling so neglected or abandoned and then giggles when I realize he’s not doing that to me at all. That it’s the energy living in me trying to convince me it’s happening because of how often it happened before him and how there was never sincere care and willingness to witness my pain and love me through it. 

There were so many layers to this wound and at the root, I felt so neglected by my dad and so unworthy that it began morphing into beliefs about myself and men that were toxic. This wound was aligning me to experiences that tried to prove that my fears were true and that I was unlovable. Together, me and Aeleo eradicated that this week. 

I went over every relevant painful emotion and memory. I told him things I never told anyone. I faced this wound until I felt the light again. My faith returned and a wholeness, a new dimension to my body and my soul. A new energy pulsating through me of merging with that True Christ Masculine. Complete reverence, self-care, innate worthiness resurrecting within me. The revelation that I don’t need to be strong, that I can be what I am and feel what I truly feel and be held and witnessed without hesitation. 

I lived in that darkness for so many years and as I’ve done my work I’d never had the guts to reach into the core of my father wound – it was way too messy and intense for me before, but these last two weeks after the black magic flush and demonic interface clearing we did in the Egyptian Timelines I guess I was finally ready. 

The true intimacy and closeness this has brought my Union to are heavenly. The level of trust and submission I feel to being seen and loved as I am, without overcompensating with sex. I feel so restored. 

It was so challenging in my body to be so sick and go through this. Also, to have my purse stolen but I realized those were just material things and can be replaced. 

I’m feeling so renewed and energized.

 I’m getting a lot of downloads from the Guardians as well I want to share on a collective level, but I thought this may be supportive in case any of you are feeling this intense confrontation of your biggest wound with the masculine. 

It is time for these to dislodge for the imminent Unions coming in. 

Love You All!

PS: If this post resonated with you I invite you to join the conversation and leave a comment below.